Aaaaaalmost..... Or is it?

Here I am on CD 29 and I think I have got myself an almost + OPK. I would call it a + but, I think tomorrow's will be more definate. Hopefully I follow the same route as I did the last time I O'd on CD 30 something and I get a BFP real soon. Here are a few shots of my OPK from today, CD 29:

I think I will probably be O'ing on CD 31 again, just like when I got pg with Abby. CRAZY!

We just got home from church a little bit ago and ate some lunch. Now Jared is watching some football and Princess and I are relaxing in the office.

Princess just left because she heard Jared getting some cereal. As you can see, she is looking out the door. At least she waited until I took the picture.

Results!

We have received results on Jared's sperm analysis and the result is..... NORMAL!

YIPPEE!!! Thank you, Lord! Today is a good day. I also noticed alot of EWCM today and my cervix is soft, high and open. (see what I mean about TMI in my Warning disclaimer?)

I am expecting a +OPK when I get home today and I will be sure and post the pic.

I have a dentist appointment at 3:30 and will head home after that.

I just have a renewed excitement today, knowing that at least Jared is "good to go" in the baby making department. Now, we can check more into me and see what is going on there. I have a feeling that our BFP blessing is right around the corner. I hope and pray that it is.

No news

Still nothing from the Dr. and still nothing from my OPK. I have never had this many dark/almost + OPK's in a row like this. I do remember the cycle I got pg with Abby, I had an almost + OPK on CD 19 but then didn't O until CD 31. I thought my OPK from CD 19 was a + but it really wasn't. Maybe this many almost + OPKs is a good sign. ???

Here is today's OPK:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well, we have made it to 2007. I wonder what this year has in store for Jared and I. My New Years Resolution: GET PREGNANT! hehe I am also giving up all pop (which I don't really drink alot of anyways) and sweet desserts, except for birthdays, holidays and special occasions. hehe

Jared and I are going to come up with a list of things of where we think we will be next year (this year) at Christmas time. And then we will seal it in an envelope and open it at Christmas to see how correct or wrong we were. I think we are in for alot of changes this year and I am excited to see what happens.

I know the Lord has many more blessings in store for Jared and I this year. As long as we remain faithful and thankful to him. It's wonderful to see him working in our lives.

Well, we had a nice time last night. We went to Jenny and Chris's house to have dinner with the family and play games. We left and went over to James and Laura's around 9:00 and stayed there to ring in the new year. We didn't get home until around 12:30 and then we went to bed.

I took another OPK yesterday and it still isn't a + yet. I am not really showing many fertile signs either so, I think we are in for another late O. I did have a huge temp jump this morning but there are a few factors that played into that I think. For 1, my alarm didn't go off at my normal time. Or it may have gone off but, I turned it off without waking up. So, I didn't take my temp until 6:30 am, instead of my regular 5:15 am. Also, I wore pajama bottoms to bed last night because the comforter we normally keep on top of our quilt is dirty and I thought I would need an extra layer to keep me warm, which it did indeed as I woke up really warm this morning. Another thing was we kept our ceiling fan off because we thought we would be too cool without our extra comforter on. So, I am not really putting much stock into my high temperature because of all those other factors.

Here is my OPK from yesterday. Doesn't look much different from day 21:
I have 1 OPK left and I will probably take it today. Maybe will go buy some more so I can keep taking them. They're only $1 each and they are fun to use.

Edited to add my OPK from today. Still not + but, I do see some EWCM!! I bought 4 more OPKs tonight so, hopefully we will see a + soon!

OPK and Ted

Ted is at his new home tonight. The Kemper family who owns the farm where Jared and I used to live bought him from us and I am really happy that he is at their home. He fit right back in to the herd of horses and is going to be very happy there. We dropped him off this afternoon and I snapped 1 shot of him as we were leaving in the truck. He is eating hay with Will and Bubba.

I took an OPK last night and it was a little lighter than the one from the night before:

But then I just took another one tonight and it is back to being almost positive. This is the darkest yet this cycle.

I am probably a day or 2 away from seeing a definate + though and if that's the case, we are looking at a day 24/25 O. We'll see anyways. I like that I am temping this cycle so I will know for sure.

Well, I think that is all for now. Oh, I don't know if I mentioned this but, our house is for sale. We stuck a sign out front earlier this week. We are also putting our duplexes for sale and of course our land is still for sale. We are getting ready to buy a 1-800-Got-Junk franchise.

OPK

I went ahead and bought 5 OPKs tonight. I saw my first hint of EWCM today so, I think I may be getting closer to O time. Thankfully, I think I am Oing right on time this month. Last month was a pain Oing so late.


Here is tonight's OPK. It's getting there. I imagine in another day or 2, it will be +!

I haven't heard anything from my Dr yet so, I went ahead and called them this afternoon. The lady I talked to wasn't a big help but she said that they would call me as soon as the results are in and as soon as the Dr. has time.

Anyways, that's about all of my news today. I have been shopping the past couple days with my Christmas money and have bought a few new tops and a pair of brown church shoes. I love to buy new stuff :)

Christmas

Whewwww.. I have been busy the past couple days.

Christmas Eve (Sunday)- Went to church. Played the piano for Sallie's solo and Jared and I sang "As With Gladness Men of Old". Got lunch at Burger King, came home and made cookies. We left a little before 5 for Jenny and Chris's home to have a lasagna dinner which was very yummy. After dinner, we went over to Gary and Judy's to watch a movie with them and Grandma Zelma. My parents came over as well and we started watching "It's a Wonderful Life". Jenny called and said that Michelle had stubbed her toe really bad and that she wanted administered to so, they came over to Gary and Judy's house. Michelle was administered to and then my mom wanted adminstered to then Zelma. Once our little service was over, we finished the movie and Jared and I went home. We got home around 11:00 pm and started cooking the potatoes and got the turkey ready for the next day.

Christmas (Monday)- we woke up at 6:30, got showers then opened presents. We drove 2 cars to Independence because Jared would have to come home and put the turkey in the oven. We stopped at Gary and Judy's first and opened gifts with them and then were on our way over to Brian and Lisa's for breakfast at 9. Brian and Lisa made delicious french toast. Jared left at 9:40 to come home and I left about a quarter after 10.

We got the house and food ready and the family arrived at 1:00'ish. We ate at 2:00 and had a great time.

One of the gifts that Jared gave me was Photoshop. I love it and have been having fun playing with it and figuring out how to use it. Here is a sample of one of my first projects:

That is a quick run-down of our weekend. I now have this whole week off of work and am so glad to have a little time to spend with Jared and the pugs before our regular routine begins again. Tomorrow is when we take in the sperm sample. I think we will be putting a for sale sign out front at some point this week. More later.

Our Christmas card

Here is the photo we used for our Christmas card:
Here is another attempt:

Here is our house decorated with the lights:

Our next step

We have our next step arranged and that is for Jared's semen analysis. We will take that in on Wednesday December, 27th and have the results a day or 2 later.
I am really interested to see what type of results we have.

The next step is for myself to have my progesterone checked. I need to have that done 7 days after I ovulate. I am glad that I am temping this cycle so that I can know the precise day. Hopefully 7 DPO won't fall on a weekend when the lab is closed.
The lab is just walk-in on a first come, first serve basis so, I will go after work.

Christmas is just around the corner and I have been busy preparing for that. We are having Christmas dinner at our house, so I have groceries to buy, house to clean and food to bake. I am also organizing the music for the Christmas service at church and although it is pretty much done, I need to learn a song on the piano that I am playing for Sallie to sing to. It's not an extremely difficult song but, I haven't had much time to prepare and that just adds to the whole stress of Christmas.

I do have new pictures to post, including the one on our Christmas Card but, I'll do that when I am on our home computer.

That's all for now!

The Appointment

Our appt. went pretty well yesterday.
We went over things that Jared and/or I pretty much already knew but, we do now have a game plan in place.
The Dr. described to us, the way conception occurs and what all needs to work in order for that to happen. It did help me realize how conceving a baby can be very tricky and how it sometimes does not happen very easily.
I discussed some of my concerns that I have with my late ovulation and short luteal phase and even my longer periods but, none of that seemed to concern him. He did mention that an 11 day luteal phase was a bit on the short side but, that probably was not "the reason" that we were not conceiving.
Our game plan will be to first have a semen analysis. Hopefully we can get that scheduled for next week when we are both off of work. The lab that we need to take the sample to is all the way over in Kansas. We will get the results from that within a day or two after they analyze it.
The second step would be to have a progesterone check about 7 days after I ovulate or 7 days before my period starts (based on a 14 day luteal phase). That will basically confirm if I have ovulated. This test will also be done this cycle.
After these 2 tests, if my period comes again, I will have a procedure known as an HSG performed. This is where they place dye into my uterus and the dye flows up into my tubes. While the dye is being placed, they perform an ultrasound to see where the dye goes. This will tell us if one or both of my tubes are blocked or if I have any cysts on my uterus or ovaries or if I have an oddly shaped uterus, along with many other things.
The Dr. also told us that if we do have this procedure done, I am usually pretty fertile for a few months following it. The reasoning the Dr. gave us was this:
He said the best way he can desrcibe it is if you compare it to a shirt that you have just ironed with starch and how after your done ironing it, the sleeves will be kinda stuck together. Once you put an arm through it, it opens up. He said alot of times, the tube may be kinda like that sleeve and once the dye is put it there, it helps open them up.

So, that is our plan for now. Hopefully all of our tests come out great and we get pregnant very soon. It just helps to know that I am being proactive about it and if something really is wrong, we can catch it now instead of a few months from now.

Monday

Well, Ted is still here. The deal with the family in Kansas fell through. I am a little dissapointed. I was really looking forward to Ted having a wonderful home with them but, it will all work out. I love having Ted but, it can really be a burden when we don't have a place of our own.

Our fertility appointment is today. I am looking forward to that and seeing what the Dr. has to say.

Christmas is sure coming quickly. 1 week from today, exactly. We are having dinner at our house and I am really looking forward to that.

I had a good weekend. Jenny and I cleaned Gary and Judy's house on Saturday morning. Saturday afternoon, Jared and I went with my dad to stick a for sale sign on our 5 acres in Buckner then we came back to Independence and hung out with dad for a little bit, then we went home.

Sunday was church and I played the piano. Then we came home and I did a little Christmas shopping, drove back up to Independence to hang out with my sister, then we had Jenny and Chris and Peter over to see the Chief's game. Brian, Lisa, Mom, Dad, Ashley and Andrew stopped by for a little bit. They had just gone to see the Christmas lights at Longview Farm.

That pretty much sums up our weekend. I will post after our appt. today.

Bye Bye Ted

Ted is going to a new home on Saturday :(
I will miss him very much but, this will be a good thing for him. It is hard keeping a horse when you don't have a place of your own. Not necessarily just the cost of it; although, that can be a strain at times. I also haven't ridden for almost 2 months. It just is not fair to Ted.
He is going to a home that has 4 children. They have 80 acres with a run in shed for the horses. The parents of the children are both Dr's and have had horses most of their lives.
I am happy that he is going to a really good home. The family that we bought him from 5 years ago are really good friends with this family so, it will work out wonderfully.
Ted has been the best horse that I have ever had.
LOVE YOU TED!

UPDATE

AF is here. CD 1 for me.
Onto cycle 9 of trying again.

Nope

Must have been a bad, bad evap line yesterday.
I tested negative this morning. There's a line but, there's always a stupid line on these tests. The line today does not look positive like yesterday's did.
It appears as if I was fooled again.

Looks like we will be attending the fertility appointment Dec. 18th. Hopefully we can get some help and get us a baby.

Here are pics of today's test.. just for fun.

LINES

Jared and I and a bunch of girls on the internet are seeing lines.
Is it real?? I dunno. Will know better tomorrow. But, the good news is that I have no pink in my CM so, that is a good sign.
Now for pics. It looks really good in person but, you may be able to see it on these pics as well:

Snow Dogs

On Monday afternoon, Gary came over to see the dogs and I was able to get some cute pics of them outside in the snow (mainly of Obi):




This weekend can' t come fast enough. It's almost TESTING time!!!

This weekend

I am off work today so, we have had a nice 3 day weekend. Friday night we went to see the Christmas Carol and we also went to dinner at the Capital Grille beforehand. It was delicious but, quite spendy.

Saturday we got our tree then spent some time with my mom and dad.

Sunday morning we started decorating the tree. It spend the night in the garage so it could defrost and the snow could melt off of it.

We also went to church and I had to play the piano.

Here is the beginnings of the tree:Here it is Decorated:
Here is my new ornament:
Here is our bannister decorated for Christmas:

And here is me and the Pugs watching the Chief's game:

So, that is our weekend in a nutshell. Hopefully next weekend will be a little more exciting with a BFP!!! We'll see!

Bored at work

So, I have been trying to come up with ideas of how we can announce our pregnancy, IF we are pregnant this month. I do this all the time but, I figured out a really cute way to do it this time.


On Christmas morning, I will be about 6 weeks pregnant. We are having breakfast with my whole family and Jared parent's and Grandma Zelma will be there as well. It will be at Brian and Lisa's house.


After Breakfast, or whenever we can have everyone sit down in the living room at the same time, Jared and I will pass out Christmas cards. Inside the card, we will write "Sorry your present didn't arrive in time but, we included the order confirmation instead. Love, Jared and Amy"


The "order confirmation" will be folded up inside. Here is a sample:

It will have "New Grandchild" "New Niece or Nephew" "New Cousin" or "New Great-Grandchild" written for the description.

I love the idea and I can't wait to see if we can use it. Only 10 more days until we find out!!!

Sunday, December 10th can't get here soon enough.

Dejavu

Or however you spell it.
It appears that I did not O on Saturday. I am thinking (i know, scary) that I O'd yesterday. It's times like this that I wish I still temped so I could know for sure.
But, this cycle is looking like the one that I got pg on with Abby. I am hoping this means that we will be blessed again but, really, I have no idea what my body is doing.
Perhaps I am just now becoming ready to be pg again and that's why I am Oing so late. If I did in fact O yesterday, that would be on CD 27. I like the sounds of that theory but only God knows what my future will hold and I need to trust in him. It's neat to see God working in every small detail of my life. It just instills in me that he is in control. No matter how badly I want something or want it to go a certain way, God will let me know that he has it in his hands.
It looks like I will be testing on December 10th at the soonest which is my parent's anniversary. It would be so great if we were pg this month because we could announce it Christmas morning at breakfast when all of our family (including Grandma Zelma) will be at Brian and Lisa's house. I will need to think of some creative way to do it.

Monday

From what I can tell, I O'd on Saturday. WOOHOO! From all the work Jared and I did, we had better be pregnant this month, if you know what I mean. ;)
I feel really blessed and I know the Lord wanted us to know that we were fertile this weekend. We definately took advantage of being stuck in the house as we were both still feeling a little under the weather.
Ok, enough about that..
This month, I could tell that my body is getting back into the swing of things so, I am hoping that it results in a BFP!!

In other news, Thanksgiving was really nice. I have some cute pics of Andrew that I can post from when we were cleaning up from dinner but, I need to find them first. Jared and I have decided to get rid of our lap top so I saved all of my pics from off of it and I have a few CD's that I would have to go through to find the pics.

Jared was pretty sick on Thanksgiving. I felt ok but, I got a fever later that night before bed. It broke during the night and I felt much better once it did. I went to work on Friday but, only had to work about 6 hours so, that was nice.

Nothin much else is new.. Ted is doing well. I saw him Saturday morning but haven't ridden for a while. I saw him this morning out in the pasture too but, maybe will go and visit him today.

Ok well, I will write more later.

Thanksgiving Eve

I wanted to post a couple pics from the weekend:

Tha Baby Shower:

Ashley's Birthday:

Today is the day before Thanksgiving. I am thankful for so many things but, sometimes I just can't get over why I am not pregnant. I know the Lord has a place and a time for us to become parents again. I just wish I had a stronger faith and a better understanding. I lack in so many areas.

There is a message board that I used to post on shortly after we lost Abby. The board was for women who experienced a pregnancy loss in January or February of 2006. I stopped posting on it a long time ago but, go and visit occasionally. Most of the ladies got pg again right away and now there are 3 brand new babies on that board. Just makes me sad and jealous. I don't know why I torment myself by going to look at their posts.

Anyways.. this cycle has been very laid back but, I of course cannot take my mind completely off of TTC. I am probably close to ovulating but, who knows.

Tonight, Jared and I are going to a "Pasta and Fireworks" dinner that will be at the Longview mansion. That should be fun and romantic.

I also need to make my potatoes tonight and buy some veggies for a veggie tray that I am making.

Well, I am leaving work in about 20 minutes so, I will post some later.

Monday

Is it Monday, already?
This weekend just flew by. But, it was fun. The shower on Saturday went very well. I will post pictures later from that. Saturday evening we went to church for the Thanksgiving dinner.
Sunday I was supposed to sing with my mom and Lori but, we cancelled due to mom and Lori both being sick.
Sunday evening we went to Ashley's 3rd birthday party. That was so much fun and I will post pics of that later as well when I get home and can get the pics from my laptop.

I should be Oing this week but, remember.. I am not paying attention!! lol.. It is very hard for me not to monitor the signs that my body gives me but, I think that not temping or using OPKs will really help me out alot. And just trying to not schedule when Jared and I make love and making sure we use a certain position, etc.. will really help me relax and take my mind off of TTC and give it to the Lord. It will allow me to trust him to make it happen, when it is him time.

Thanksgiving is on Thursday and I am really excited for that. We are eating at my parents house. I am bringing the mashed potatoes and a veggie tray. I think that is all I am signed up for. I love the holidays!

Wednesday night, Jared and I are planning on eating at the Mansion of the Longview Farm where we live. We won a gift certificate for a dinner for two. It should be very romantic.

I am so thankful for this time of my life. Even though I can get so frusterated with TTC and wishing I was pg so badly, all of these experiences in my life will make me a better person for it. I know when I get pregnant again, it will be one of the best days of my life. I truly have so much to be thankful for and I know the Lord is making me wait for this moment for a reason. I have a hard time remembering the Lord is in control and try to handle everything on my own.

Well, this is long enough and I am just rambling. I will post pics later of the shower and birthday party.

Busy busy busy

I have been so busy this week and this weekend won't be any better.
Judy and I are hosting the baby shower for Manju on Saturday so, we have been getting ready for that.
Sunday I have to sing and play the piano at the South Branch. I have practiced with mom and Lori once already and we are meeting again tonight to practice again.
I am excited for Thanksgiving next week. That should be alot of fun.
Jared and I are thinking of putting the house for sale after Christmas so, we'll see what happens there.
Well, I am at work and should probably get some work done. I will take pics of the shower and write about it later.

Weston, MO

Jared and I had a great time in Weston this weekend with our friends. We started out on Saturday morning when James and Laura picked us up around 10 AM. We then headed to Kim and Russ's and were on our way. We made it into Weston around lunch time and ate at a neat little diner right in town.

After lunch, we walked around and shopped in all the shops. Father Christmas was spotted on the streets as well.
I found something in every store that I would have loved to take home but, I ended up only buying a hankerchief for my mom. They were watching the pugs, it was the least I could do.

After shopping for a few hours, we drove up to the nearby state park and walked out to a point that overlooked the Missouri River. We were able to take some great shots there.

After being at the state park, we made our way back into town and stopped at the Bed and Breafast where we would be staying that night. This was around 4:00 but, check-in wasn't until 5. We wanted to see if it was possible to check in a little early. Jared knocked on the door and in a few moments, the owner answered and let us come on in to check in.

Back towards the check in desk, there was a neat old phone booth with a working phone.

After we were checked in, the owner "Bill" took us on a short tour and showed us each our rooms. Here is our room where Jared and I stayed:

After we unpacked the van, Jared and Russ stayed at the B&B and watched football in the parlor while Laura, James, Kim and I went out shopping again. We stopped at the candle shop where Laura bought some candles and Kim bought a neat cupcake candle.

We made one more stop and the statuary lot and then headed back. It was getting close to dinner time and it was also getting fairly cold out.

AFter getting back to the B&B, we all headed out to eat at a great little Restuarant. They had an italian buffet that night and it was delicious.

After dinner, we went back to the B&B and played games which included Catch Phrase, a survival game and then a card game called Spades. We were split up boys vs. girls. The boys won all the games except the card game. Considering Kim and I were just beginners to this game, we did pretty well.

After playing games, we headed up to bed.

In the morning, Jared and I headed down to the parlor where we watched the news, drank hot chocolate and read the paper. James and Laura were the next up and James went on a short walk. Kim and Russ came in shortly and then it was time for breakfast. They served french toast covered with prailines and another yummy sauce, bacon and bananas with yummy carmel topping and whip cream.

Unfortuanately, after breakfast James started not feeling well at all. Us girls went to a nearby store to get some medicine for him. We stayed a little bit later than we planned because he was not feeling great but, we made it back just fine and in time for Jared to see the Chief's game.

Whew, that was a long post. That's all for now.

Long AF

I am on CD 8 now and Af is still not gone. how annoying. It seems like since delivering Abby, my AF's have really increased. Just seem to spot or have really light bleeding for another day or 2 longer than normal. Oh well, I shouldn't get too concerned about it.
Yesterday, I went ahead and made an appt. with the OB for an infertility consultation. That will be on December 18. After I made the appt, I just felt really relieved and almost as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. So, I am happy about that. Hopefully we can get some questions and concerns answered. Or, even better, hopefully I can cancel the appt. because I get a BFP!!
Either way, I think it's going to help me just relax this cycle and not really "try" because I know we have that to look forward to. If that is really something to look forward to. haha.
Jared got home last night around 10:30. It was so nice having him back. The pugs were really excited to see him too.
I also got to ride Ted last night. It has been a long, long time. Sheila was at the barn as well so, we went out together on Ted and Abu. It was really nice. The weather was perfect.

Chicago

Jared is in Chicago on business. He left yesterday morning and will return late Wednesday evening.

Last night I stayed home all evening. It was nice to relax with the dogs. I did some house work and touched up some paint in our house to get it ready to be put for sale. Jenny and Chris came by for a little while.
Tonight I am going to spend some time with my friend, Lesley from work. She's making me dinner. YUM!

I really miss Jared already and can't wait for him to come home.
This weekend we are going to Weston, MO and staying at a Bed and Breakfast called the Hatchery. Here's the web site: http://www.hatcherybb.com/
and a photo:

We are going with our friends, James and Laura and Kim and Russ. It should be a good time.

I cannot even describe how badly I want to be pregnant again. I loved the feeling of knowing I had a baby growing in me. To see my tummy enlarge each week. To attend the monthly and then weekly prenatal appointments. The hear the heartbeat and have the anticipation of each milestone of the pregnancy. To shop for baby items and plan the nursery. And then to look forward to the birth and bringing the new baby home. All of the things I got to experience with Abby, before they were cut short. It's like that anticipation started last October and it has never been fulfilled yet.

I remember being in the hospital, after delivering Abby and just trying to imagine what it would be like to bring a live baby into the world. How incredibly amazing that day will be.

Oh Lord, please bless Jared and I with a healthy baby. Please assure my fears and anticipation with becoming pregnant again and help me to fully rely and trust in you to bring me a blessing that will once again fill my womb. This blessing from above will be something that Jared and I will never take for granted and will give you all of the glory for. I am so thankful for all of the experiences in my life that you have blessed me with. Even my times of struggle and pain. Those times, in addition to the happy times have molded me into the person I am today and will make me a better, more caring, thankful and appreciative mother and wife that I could have ever done on my own. I am so thankful for my friends, family and husband and for my health and happiness. In Jesus name, Amen.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

That is not a happy, excited AHHHHHHHHH! It's a very frusterated AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, more like ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!
AF showed AGAIN early this evening. Right on time. I am seriously thinking of making an appt. to start testing on both Jared and I. What is up?
Is this just not the right time for us to have a Baby and that is why God isn't giving one to us or do we have some issues getting pg?
I don't know but, I just can't sit back and relax. That's probably what I need to do though.
Just toss all the B6, Progesterone cream, ovulation tests.. you name it. Checking my CM and CP and all that other obsessive, habitual, addicting methods we use to tell us when to have sex and what position to use and everything else.
I would love to do that but, do you know how hard that is going to be? With everything that i know now about my cycle and how to tell when I am ovulating?
I think I'm going to try, just wish there was something I could do to take my mind off of it. It doesn't help that at this time, last year, I was pregnant with Abby. With the Holidays coming up, it will be a constant reminder.
Well, anyways. Sorry for the rant. I am lost with where to go now. I guess I have tried pretty much everything I can think of. Need to spend lots of time praying to God and leave it up to him. Maybe I will try 1 more time. Nothin on my end.. leave it all to God. If it doesn't happen, then I will set up an appt.
That sounds like a good idear to me.
So my game plan this month:
Make love to my husband whenever I feel like it!!! God is in control!